Thursday, February 5, 2015

Corporate Speak!

This mail is a good example of how empty jargon has entered the corporate vocabulary. This is especially true of corporates. 

We have taken every single activity of our work life and reduced it to meaningless bombastic phrases. Finally, whether we actually do the work or not, we keep throwing these phrases to each other at meetings, presentations, communications, and look at each other pompously. Obviously, since what we are doing sounds so important, we must be doing something important.

The bold/underline emphasis has been added by me. In brackets is what I think it actually means.

btw - there are several phrases here which you can borrow for putting into your next presentation.

Dinesh Gopalan

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Brijesh Kumar <>
Date: Wed, Feb 4, 2015 at 6:40 PM
Subject: Executive level hiring : Business Intelligence COE Leader - Bangalore



Kindly allow me to introduce myself as part of an executive search organization which caters to ample of the Global Trust players spanning the business across geographies and based at Gurgaon. (We are a placement agency based in Gurgaon and recruiting for whoever approaches us)

I would like to share a leadership level opportunity with you for one of our global clients for Bangalore location. Find below the details for the same and let us know your interest exploring the opportunity. (It is a managerial role; let us know if you are interested)


Position Title: Executive - Business Intelligence COE Leader (That is five jargon words in one - must be an important role)


The Executive Business Intelligence (BI) COE Leader will lead strategy, architectural management, technology roadmaps and solution delivery (he will do some work) for Analytics, Big Data, and Business Intelligence (the latest buzzwords; actually he will be collecting some data from various sources and trying to make sense of them) environments for both structured and unstructured data. (don't blame us if the data is not formatted properly; just do something with it)


Essential Functions/Responsibilities:


This role will partner closely (work with) with product and regional CIOs for effective execution (doing some stuff) of their BI programs. In addition, this role will be responsible for setting vision and the use of all Business Intelligence platforms, determining enterprise information and technology needs and defining strategy and implementation needed to achieve those needs. (you have to figure out what needs to be done, and do it) Partnering with the Global Application Management and Support COE (GAMS) (a bunch of people with different agendas will try to stop you but you have to maneuver your way through) this role will improve operational excellence as well as provide architectural support to product and regional CIO teams. (many people will scream at you for everything that goes wrong) The Executive – Business Intelligence COE Leader will report to the Chief Technology Officer.


He / She will also be responsible for:

·         Champion Advanced Analytics, Big Data and BI across the entire ecosystem driving contemporary technology adoption throughout the organization by leveraging excellent communication and change management skills  (you have to bring in change where it is not welcome, across the whole organization, and you will be frustrated in the process)

·         Partner with key stakeholders (no one is a colleague anymore, they are all stakeholders) to align ( a very useful word; everything needs to align) large scale (big mess) project timing, communications strategy, and employee feedback processes with the overall strategy for IT (nothing is actually aligned in our organization; you have to figure it out)

·         Design and implement procedures and controls necessary to ensure the effective and efficient delivery of Advanced Analytics & Business Intelligence programs and reporting to business functions (you have to start from scratch)

·         Provide guidance and direction both within IT and multi-discipline and multi-organizational teams for their Business Intelligence and reporting needs (everyone will be after your life)

·         Drive strategic partnerships with the BI Architects, GAMS, Technology Services organization & Global Operations IT teams to ensure a chain of reliable operational excellence through all phases of a system lifecycle (at every stage and from everyone there will be opposition)

·         Apply advanced technical and program management knowledge and skills in developing solutions or problem solving where complexity, innovation and technical expertise are required (it is going to be very confusing; don't blame us if you don't understand anything

·         Own and drive the roadmaps for Big Data, Analytics, & BI technology via senior leadership reviews (we the bosses will screw your happiness) Blueprint reviews) (we don't want to get into details) as well as evaluate and recommend new or enhanced technologies that could improve our Analytics & Business Intelligence environments

·         Lead and drive(the leader is also the driver - may be instead of drive, we should start saying 'chauffeur', sounds better)  the IT vision and be a key contributor in delivering upon the IT strategic imperatives and priorities  (do what the boss says)

·         Act as a change agent for the organization by leveraging FastWorks practices to maximize results measured by performance and availability, business agility, technology freshness, and cost optimization (brilliant re-usable sentence - can use it in any context)

·         Maximize the effective operation of the Business Intelligence function with respect to work flow, scheduling, staffing, budget, communications, and events (a definite anti-climax; this sentence does not sound so impressive



·         Bachelor's Degree (wow. I thought that description required a BTech; PhD; MBA)

·         Minimum of 8 years IT experience (I really want to read the CEO's job description)

·         An understanding of Business Intelligence fundamentals for structured and unstructured data

·         Proven leadership experience with senior management interaction

·         Excellent communication and change management (CAP) skills, especially with senior executive audiences





Best Regards,


Brijesh Kumar

Sr.Consultant | GreenTree Advisory Services Pvt Ltd | | Handphone: +91 9716933509

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