Sunday, April 18, 2021

The world of Valuations

A loss of 350 crores On Revenues of half a crore, gets a valuation of 15000 crores!

VC's are vying with each other to fund companies that have a high "burn" rate.

Here , take my money, burn it!

No, no, mine, burn mine first!

No, please, me! I am a marquee money burner, having us on board will get you more money to burn!

The promoter looks around with an appraising eye, and picks one of them.

And then goes to the pavement outside and starts distributing the money. Not just like that. He uses big data, analytics, cloud computing, IOT, neural networks, AI and ML to do so. It is considered very essential to be forward looking and use the latest technological advancements to give money away.

Meanwhile the world is roiled by unrest, jobs are being lost everywhere, and there is a pandemic cutting a swathe of destruction, not as much due to the disease itself, as due to the illogical reaction of people born out of fear.

The promoter uses the opportunity of turmoil in the world, to increase his burn rate. That keeps his investors happy. They are always pressurising the promoter to be more opportunistic and seize every available opportunity to burn more money.

The investors demand more! They always do, that is in their blood, so we shall excuse them for it. Our promoter is under pressure. So he announces a paise ka dahan on the lines of Holika Dahan, and makes a bonfire of money. Not literally of course, but he uses big data, AI and ML and all the rest, to give away 100 million dollars in one night.

The investors are happy.

Meanwhile, many investors who have missed the earlier round ( Round C) are suffering from a severe case of FOMO, and demand that they be allowed to give some money. The promoter reluctantly accedes to Round C.2 for 100 million dollars of opportunity. Why C point 2, and not Round D, you ask? Well, you see, the promoter is from the software industry, and he feels that unless there is a significant jump in the technology of burning money, the fundraising should not jump to the next alphabet. He reflects deeply and is forced to concede that unless he uses Robotics, which his team is working on, to give away money, he cannot in all conscience, call it Round D.

Meanwhile the promoter becomes a folk hero in his hometown, Bangalore. He is invited to seminars where they discuss how to burn more money. His story serves as inspiration to a group of young techies who go around with matches in one hand, and a business plan in the other, hoping to catch a VC in an elevator for thirty seconds, whom  they can unleash their "elevator pitch" on. It is of course well known in start-up circles that if you want to raise funds, you need to hang around elevators, waiting for VC's to walk in.

Once, Cred, Dunzo, and Nyka promoters meet in an elevator.

The Dunzo promoter says, I lose hundred rupees for every delivery I make. Beat that!

The Cred promoter says, I lose thousand rupees every second. Beat that, and gives a smirk.

The Nyka promoter, who is a lady, looks at them pityingly. I raised Series A to F, each time increasing my valuation. And now, I am going in for an IPO! BEAT THAT!

The other two promoters concede defeat. For the IPO is the holy grail. It is where millions of people queue up to give you money to burn, and your personal  stake gets valued at over a billion, and you get invited to give Ted Talks.

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